So, Do Opposites Attract?

No doubt we are sometimes attracted to people who are different from ourselves. However, when it comes to actually choosing a long-term sexual partner, it is more the rule than the exception that “similar” attract. Several studies have shown substantial similarity between husbands and wives in their attitudes about faith, war, and politics, as well as similarities in their physical health, family background, age, ethnicity, religion, and level of education. Dating and married couples are similar in physical attractiveness, and young married couples even tend to be matched in weight. The “matching hypothesis”—as named by social psychologists—is so strong that observers react negatively when they perceive couples who are mismatched on levels of attractiveness. There is one notable exception—a beautiful woman and a less-attractive man. In this scenario, consistent with evolutionary logic, people judging the mismatched pairs ascribe wealth, intelligence, or success to the man.

Why do similar attract? In terms of physical attractiveness, one motive for seeking a close physical match to oneself is a fear of rejection. People prefer those similar to themselves in overall of rejection. People prefer those similar to themselves in overall “mate value,” or desirability on the mating market. Going for someone substantially more desirable is often a losing proposition, for both women and men. And, if a person manages to lure a more desirable mate, there are costs involved—such as needing to be ever vigilant of mate poachers.

Finding someone who shares similar attitudes and beliefs is attractive because it provides a sort of consensual validation or verification of what we already believe. That is, a partner who shares our opinions provides us with evidence that we must be correct. Similar attitudes among mates arouse positive feelings, while dissimilar attitudes elicit negative moods. “Balance,” according to social psychologists, is a pleasant emotional state, a harmonious feeling that occurs when two people like each other and agree about some topic. When people like each other yet disagree, balance is lost. To correct the imbalance, one or both parties strive to restore it by either changing his or her own attitude or attempting to change the partner’s attitude. Clearly, it is much easier to maintain a pleasant balance if you start out agreeing on most topics.

Finally, similarity augurs well for long-term relationship success. It leads to emotional bonding, cooperation, and communication, mating happiness, and lowered risk of breaking up. So although opposites sometimes attract, when it comes to mating, “birds of a feather flock well together.”