The Bonding-Sex Link

In a study conducted in the Meston Lab, we identified four main categories of events or cues that lead to feelings of sexual desire in women. Three of these were tied to attraction and arousal. For instance, women’s desire was stoked by explicit erotic cues such as reading or watching a sexual story, “talking dirty” with a partner, or sensing that her body was becoming aroused, including by detecting genital lubrication. They responded to status cues, such as seeing or talking with someone powerful or famous. And they responded to “romantic” cues, such as dancing closely, sharing an amorous dinner, and laughing together. The other category of events that increased women’s sexual desire, however, was related to emotional bonding. Feelings of contentedness can cause women to desire sex.

Even if they do not seek out sex themselves, or in cases where their bodies do not respond sexually to their partners’ approaches and other cues, some women derive pleasure from having sex because of what can follow the sexual act—cuddling, tenderness, and feeling connected. Here is how one woman in our study described it:

Being asexual, I don’t normally have the drive to have sex for a physical reason but I do get emotional enjoyment from it when I’m with my partner.—asexual woman, age 20

Rosemary Basson, a well-known researcher in women’s sexuality at the University of British Columbia, calls this having sex for the “spin-offs.”

Having sex with someone creates a special bond with that person which is unattainable any other way. I would do this to further how involved I am in a relationship, and to show [my] vulnerability.—heterosexual woman, age 25

I felt like I was starting to fall in love with this girl. I loved to share things with her, whether they be stories of things in my life, or experiences that we had together. We connected so well mentally and emotionally that . . . I wanted to be connected to her in a sexual sense as well.—gay/lesbian woman, age 20